Birthing Emptiness

If you haven’t heard already Beyoncé is pregnant with twins.  Of course a lot of people are excited for her but there are also plenty of people who hate the attention that she is getting.  The sentiment has been, “So, what?  What’s the big deal? She’s just pregnant.”  First off, she is one of the most famous women on the planet.  So yes, every move she makes, everything she does is going to be blown out of the water.  If you don’t like it, don’t read about or follow famous people.  Your everyday ordinary person isn’t going to be trending on twitter.  However, that doesn’t mean that you are not going to share the news with everyone you know in your sphere of influence.  You will definitely be “trending” with them and most women would be shouting the news from the rooftops.

Let’s look at the “What’s the big deal?” portion a little closer to home. First I am going to ask a couple of questions.  Have you ever prayed to God for something so hard that you just knew if you did everything in your power correctly, He would intercede and grant your petition?  After years of disappointment, have you ever turned around and prayed to God to take the desire away from you to have the thing you were asking for?  That’s me.  My petition was for a child. However, I have only been able to birth emptiness.  No, He hasn’t removed the desire yet, no matter how much I beg Him too.  Like Queen Bey I have some fertility issues.  I haven’t had to endure a miscarriage like her, but the disappointment in not having life beyond my own is all too real. Most of my friends and other people I know have usually all been pregnant at the same time.  Do you know what it’s like to be so excited for someone that they accomplish something, but at the same time agonize because you are not able to participate  yourself? No?  Try it and then tell me what you think.  So yes, IT’S A BIG DEAL!

For me, there’s a slim to none chance of it happening. On top of the issues I have, I am usually in situations where it isn’t possible to begin with.  Either my relationships haven’t been conducive to introducing another life into it, or there is no “want to” from the other party.  Adoption isn’t really an affordable option either, even if the “want to” was there. Not really much I can do there.  It does get harder every year when I have cousins, friends, and co-workers having kids or discussing the possibility of having kids when I know for me it isn’t even an option.  Most people have said, “Well it is what it is, just get over it.”  Sure, I would love to, but it isn’t that simple.  It’s a desire that is dying a very slow death and I feel like I am in perpetual mourning. I am not childless by choice. Some women choose to be and that’s perfectly okay. However I didn’t. I am childless by circumstance. The questioning and criticism by other family members doesn’t help either. “What are you waiting on?”, “You should have at least ____ kids by now.”, “You’re getting too old to try, you should’ve started sooner.”, “You’re not doing something right”, “God doesn’t want you to have any.”, “What’s wrong with you?” (My FAVORITE question). That doesn’t mean that you can’t share your baby news with me.  I am excited for any and everyone that can have children, I think it’s an honor and blessing from God. It’s just one that I will have to experience vicariously through others.

So for those of you who can’t understand why we might be excited about someone, even someone we will never meet, having a child try looking at it from the view point of someone who can’t have children.  It isn’t easy for everyone to start a family and not every pregnancy is complication free. You may have “been there, done that” and that’s fine. Just keep in mind that there are some of us who will never get there.

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