My Biggest Trial Yet

I’m a living, breathing, walking, talking, moving miracle.

But I feel far from it.

There is an Anthony Brown song, I Am (Miracle), that starts, “I heard that you were wondering if God still answers prayer. I heard that you were searching for a sign that He was still right there.”  That is where I am right now.  I have been going through something for the past few years and now it seems it is coming to a head. Infertility due to uterine fibroids.  I am at a point now that more than likely I won’t be able to move forward without some sort of surgery.  I will either have to get the fibroids removed or have my uterus removed. This is not an easy decision, and it is not one that I am taking lightly.  Yet either way I go, I can’t see how God will work this out for my good. I have prayed many years for children but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.  So, the question remains does God still answer prayer?  As hard as it is for me to stand firm in my faith right now, I must say that He still does.  After spending 9 hours in the emergency room for this issue the other day, I did have several prayers answered.  They didn’t keep me to do any surgery right then and there.  There is no damage to my ovaries, I just have the fibroids in my uterus giving me problems. There were no other masses or huge blot clots found. With all of that said, I am still at a crossroads of which way to go.  Although, I have a great support system and people that will back me no matter what, this is a door that I must walk through alone.

The thought of never having life beyond my own is something that is very hard to comprehend but it is a very real reality I face.  People always say there is adoption.  Yes, there is. It’s also ungodly how expensive it is too. So, I am not holding out much hope on that either. I have heard arguments on both sides of the issue of whether to just remove the tumors or take out everything. It’s amazing how many people feel like they are personally vested in this decision as if it affects them somehow. I do understand the pros and cons of both.  Yet I also have to take into consideration the likelihood of having children if I only removed the fibroids, how my body bounces back and deals with change, the likelihood of the fibroids coming back, and what is the best decision for my body. Everyone is entitled to what they think I should do.

Then the bridge of that same song comes to mind:

“So who are they?

Compared to Him

Who lives in me

And knows all things

Greater is He than what you see”

I know what it looks like, even to me.  I don’t see how I will prevail in this.  I have to believe that no matter what I can see with my eyes, that God is working on this situation right now although I can’t see it right now.  I have to believe that at the right time all will be revealed and that He won’t be late with whatever solution He provides. God is either God of all or not God at all. Semi-sovereignty is not an option. So, I must trust that no matter what I see and what it looks like, He is still in control of it all. I have to believe that if He brought me to this valley, then He must trust me to walk it out.

Even though I am devastated about the situation as a whole, I know that He is greater than my circumstances.  I know that He is greater than what I see. I don’t know how it will all work out for my good, but I know that there is some reason for all of this happening.  There is some way that this fits into God’s plan.  Whatever He has planned for me is greater than this, because He is greater.

I’m a living, breathing, walking, talking, moving miracle.  He will prove it once again.

 

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